I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
