Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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