Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
