i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
