drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
