It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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