I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
