So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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