She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
