I just threw up on my dentist
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
