The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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