I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
