Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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