I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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