I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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