my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You ruined the universe
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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