M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
