dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
