I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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