So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
