life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize