can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
