I want to stick my p in your. b.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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