He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
