why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
