I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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