You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
