Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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