Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We are two peas in an std pod
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
