I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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