Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
