Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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