I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
