after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
