I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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