Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
