so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
