I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
