i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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