May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
