Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
