At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
