it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize