@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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