A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
