i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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