Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
