My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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