u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
