I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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