I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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