How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
