I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
