its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im six kinds of drunk right now
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
