he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize