He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
