You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
