Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
