I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
