I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
