'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
