put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you had me at cake vodka
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
