i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
