I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
