I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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