Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
