did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
