dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
