I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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