i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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