I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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