In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I touched a dick in church today
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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