i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
high people should be assigned attendants
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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