God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
