You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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