you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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