Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
