Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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